Musings on life and how I choose to interpret it…

Pema Tseden’s second full-length movie, the Search, is a movie that says so many things without saying much at all. It is an exercise in patience, a reward of which at the end leaves you not satisfied but mildly contemplative. Much like the uncompromising cinematography, what lies beneath the seemingly unassuming surface reveals an honest and complex understanding of a country and a generation trying to find its place in an unfamiliar environment.

A person of modest build with a soft-spoken demeanour, Pema Tseden introduced the movie to this year’s TIFF viewers by saying that he wanted to present his homeland to a different audience by participating in the festival. The portrayal of Tibet in a different light is also unmistakably significant.

The film is set in the Amdo region of Tibet. A crew of four men — director, cameraman, businessman and driver — are scouting the villages in search of actors to play a movie based on a traditional Tibetan opera called “Namthar”. They are an easy-going bunch that crack each other up in their long drives through extremely rural areas and sleepy town centres. They all speak in their native Amdo dialect. Everyone in the movie, in fact, speaks in this dialect.

The story picks up after they encounter a mysterious woman in a village who used to play the lead female character “Mande Zangmo” of the opera. Just her singing one verse is enough to convince the party that she is the one meant for this role. She refuses to show her face though, which is clad in a pink scarf throughout the movie. She also refuses to join their project, relenting only when they agree to seek her ex-boyfriend who used to play the lead male, “Prince Drime Kunden”. He left her after he got a teaching job in the city, and it appears that this girl has some unfinished business to settle with him. She joins the group, and the rest of the movie is of them going to various places and meeting all sorts of people, all in their quest to fill out the roles for their movie adaptation.

The first thing to commend about this movie is the fact that it is authentic to the core. Being a Tibetan with a good enough grasp of Tibetan, even I found it difficult to follow the movie without reading the English subtitles. The opening credits and titles are all written in Tibetan. Everyone in the movie is Tibetan and almost all of them are non-actors. Mr. Tseden has a wonderful knack of letting the players define the story without making it forced or ham-fisted. Everything seems to blend and flow organically, from the pleasing and percussive sound of the Amdo dialect to the measured pace and spartan effects of the movie.

Zonthar Gyal, the cinematographer, maintains a sure-footed balance between the expansive and the intimate. The villages are sparsely populated, the towns are unevenly developed, herds of yaks and goats share the concrete roadways with honking cars and trucks. The villages look like they are from another epoch, yet they are not idyllic. The dust and mist are often dream-like, and the search, although purposeful and determined, is neither rushed nor languid with these kinds of peculiar metronomes.

Sometimes a single continuous shot is set for almost unbearably long. This stark change in pace from snappy edits in the youtube era makes for an unsettling viewing experience, where not a lot is happening in the screen in front of me and yet I am hooked and perturbed, all at the same time.

The people are weather-beaten and guarded, yet they also possess an easy smile, a sense of community and a desire of showmanship. In one scene, a bunch of novice monks, clearly aware of the fact that they are being taped, are asked to audition for parts in the movie. In the span of a few minutes, these kids who are no older than ten pronounce advanced verses of dialectics and existential philosophy. And they do it all with a mischievous grin.

Such moments of light-heartedness are few and far between. The complete lack of any soundtrack, with the exception of the crew’s music playing the car, creates a heavy and almost stuffy atmosphere. The aforementioned drawn out scenes together collude into a viewing experience that sometimes made me gasp for air in the packed theatre.

There were some parts which I felt were unnecessary and could have been cut, but then I am left with the sinking reflection of a time and place where most of us demand to be dazzled, shocked, humoured, and generally led to feel a certain way when watching different parts of a movie. Rarely do you experience a state of introspection along with the movie, right in the middle of the theatre. Some may call it ennui. I think it’s something more than that. Danny Boyle, director of Slumdog Millionaire, called it one of the most challenging movies he saw at the Shanghai Int’l Fim Festival, where the Search won the top jury prize. I agree with that sentiment.

The Search ends in almost the same way that it began. The audience quietly files out of the movie. The jarring noise of the cineplex outside confronts my senses with an audacity that confirms my belief about the director’s vision and inspiration. The questions that the movie raises echo long after the credits have rolled.

A note (please be aware of possible spoilers):
It seems, unfortunately, that most movies about Tibet are lumped into two extremities: either they are a politically charged study of China’s occupation and its effects, in Tibet or beyond; or they are a propaganda tool for legitimizing the oppressor’s occupation. Case in point, Tibettruth:

…the new offering from Tibetan Director Pema Tseden, of course being an obedient and loyal citizen of communist China he also has a Chinese name too, Wanma Caidan. A slick production filmed in Amdo, Eastern Tibet, superficially it presents a quest to find Tibetans who can perform traditional Tibetan opera, seems that none were available, thus we are left to conclude that the old ways in Tibet are undergoing change, life is moving on, with the underlying implication that this is a good thing. What the film does not address of course is the fact that such change has been forced upon ordinary Tibetans, and that the loss of cultural knowledge is a direct result of China’s imperialistic aggression which has deliberately targeted Tibetan culture for over five decades.

First, let us examine the last sentence of the paragraph above. Done? Let’s move on.

Is it too much to ask to check your tone before knowing who or what you are talking about? The above post from a Tibetan pro-independence blog is cynical and vindictive, and completely unfounded given the fact that the author didn’t even bother to watch the movie, and doesn’t know who or what the director is about (loyal citizen of Communist China, seriously?).

We talk about facts all the time, and we have to given the dire circumstance in Tibet, but one thing that I’ve come to loathe about some of the activists is their unyielding insistence of painting Tibetans as one-note characters. We are refugees, and that is that. In their world, Tibetans barely qualify as individuals or artists with their own ideas of what Tibet means to them.

It goes along the lines of religious zealots and ideologues: you are either with us or you’re against us.

In their minds, every Tibetan must be naked about their suffering. What gets misinterpreted and misunderstood in the shuffle of the reality of a complex life is a failure of advocating for Tibet’s independence, and therefore we are shills for the Chinese occupation.

Getting emotional is understandable, but it is unfortunate when it comes at the price of appreciating and supporting the aspects of our community that should make us proud. Mr. Pema Tseden, who was born in Tibet to a family of farmers, knows as much, and probably more (experience or otherwise), about the dire situation of Tibet.

His work is an honest and poetic look at the way the occupation has altered the landscape in Tibet. Though the premise of the movie isn’t based explicitly on this, it is implied through many instances. There is a scene at the beginning where the crew tries to get a little boy to relay a message to a member of the village. At each request, they hand him a pen or some money as thanks, always advising the kid to study properly.

In another scene, the director and crew look on as a group of Tibetan girls perform a bland dance routine using butter churns as props in an audition for the movie. At the end of it, clearly unimpressed and slightly disappointed, the director asks them to recite some Tibetan poetry. None of them make the cut.

The story of Prince Drime Kunden itself can be interpreted as a metaphor for Tibet, Tibetans or His Holiness. The story of how he sacrifices his children and his eyes to the three Indian sages is a heartbreaking rendition of Tibet’s history, and of course, none of this should mean anything to those of us who are the actual victims of China’s occupation, but it also doesn’t mean that an artist can’t explore it through those lenses.

And what of the fact that this was all made in Tibetan, in the local Amdo dialect? The director told us that the shooting of the film itself took just around fifty days, but to actually get it approved and distributed took him over three years. This kind of perseverance and belief is something that we must applaud. For even in the fairly straightforward argument that the Tibetan language must be preserved and promoted in Tibet, Mr. Tseden shows how it can be done in a profound and meaningful tapestry.

So let’s back off the vitriol, watch the movie and offer substantive points before leaping on to conclusions about people who have as much right to talk about Tibet as you and I.

Stay steady that’s the rule of the book. You will not get wavered, but follow the scent of the swayed. I have a picture in my head of the wonderful days ahead, but they’re not. They’re not.

You can leave, you know? SFT will go on. There are some of us who are lifers. I think you need to see a therapist. That’s my suggestion.

Forgive the sins of the past, but don’t let them back to haunt you. So many presents in my insides, it’s so amazing. Yet all I’ve known is to disappoint them, and they do not take these presents lightly.

What have you got to show for? You’re out of college for most of it, and people don’t even seem to acknowledge all the time and effort you put into this group. What was the point of it all?

Do you make a purpose out of this life? Can you shape a cloud out of smoke and show them signs of desperation, euphoria and ennui? What gives and who takes?

But you know, there are some people in Parkdale who are white. So maybe we should consider that as well.

The alleys are dark and the pavement is slick with my desire dripping bit by bit. When it rains, it pours. When it burns, it burns. The sounds of the gutter will follow your footsteps into the unexplored and the unsteady.

Don’t tell me how to do my job for Tibet. If you haven’t burnt your finger in the movement, then please keep your thoughts to yourself.

We make hay out of the spoils of life. We make do with what we don’t. I own nothing. I belong only to your perception.

You don’t know how to garden? And you got hired?

There is a softness in here where you strike it feels like I’ve given into the force from underneath so that you can see me falling from all the way above.

When I tell you to do something, just fucking do it! Okay?!

Everyday feels like I have something to offer and something to take. But when I ask I have already refused your offer. Not because I’m humble but because I’m scared.

I think that Chinese lady is mentally handicapped. I tell her to do something and she just doesn’t listen to me. Is there anyone here who can speak Mandarin?

But I am a child, as are you, and as you fade so will my ignorance. I have bought a house by the cliff and the views are phenomenal. I just want to savour it before I bring it down to sea.

I disagree. I’d much rather engage people who can help this organization rather than the people who live in this community.

Hold the fort for the dead. Cry a slogan for you who passed away. Shed a tear for no one in particular. No one thinks of you in context anymore.

Who cares if we have a diverse board or not? It’s not like we’re going to put our pictures up online.

Do you carry the burden of those you care for? It’s a question that nobody does. It’s an act that everyone questions. The trick is not to question the unquestionable. The way is to answer it on your terms. We only love you. I’ve only known you for so long and so little.

I’m the boss here! Gelek listens to me. YOU listen to me!

I’m going to sleep because there is no seed inside the fruit inside the bowl. I’m going to sleep because I know you will be there for me.

We’ll start a group together, baby. We don’t need them.

Show a way. Be an example.

You’re okay, I guess.

I just finished listening to a documentary about activist burnout, which aired on CBC radio’s “the Sunday Edition” program, last Sunday, Sept. 12. The reporter and producer of that episode was Frank Faulk, and he interviewed me among a bunch of other activists.

The title of the episode: Burning Bright. (It’s on the second hour.)

I hesitated telling people about this documentary, partly because I felt like it would be some self-flagellating way to talk about myself, and another because a lot of things happened after the interview that reflected and, in some cases, went against what I had talked about during my conversations with Frank.

And now after I listened to it — on CD because Frank so generously sent a copy to me — I still hesitate to talk about it because I sound like I’m talking with my nose pinched so out of touch … so presumptuous and naive.

Allow me to put some context to where I was at the time and where I was coming from:

At the time that Frank was interviewing me, it was in the heat of the Olympic build-up. It was the spring of 2008, which now seems so distant but was actually just a few months ago. Tibetans had just recently risen up openly against the Chinese occupation. News of monks being killed and protests happening all over the world were fresh in every morning news reports. Toronto was abuzz: we had just a couple of weeks ago staged massive protests not only in Toronto, the largest Tibetan settlement outside of Asia, but also in places like Vancouver and Ottawa. I was in the thick of organizing dozens of school buses packed to the doors with Tibetans from Toronto heading to Ottawa to protest on the Parliament Hill. It was unprecedented.

There was a lot of excitement, moments of despair and panic, relief and anger, uncertainty and hope. It was a time when a committee of five fairly disparate organizations came together under one committee in a show of solidarity to collectively meet the challenges and opportunities presented by the summer olympic spectacle.

And it was during these intense periods of organizing and strategizing that punctuated the stress that I was dealing with and which eventually led to a burnout; which was gradual, but which took a while for me to register. For the most part, when you’re in the middle of a storm, you don’t really have the time to take stock of what’s being tossed around.

But that’s not to say that everything was a constant moment of discombobulation or some burgeoning heap of responsibility that was put on me in an unfair or unsustainable manner. I mean, parts of it do bear some truth in retrospect, but there were also times when I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. There is a sense of camaraderie in a dizzyingly uncontrollable situation that makes you come alive. We weren’t quite in the trenches like I’m making it sound, but we did have daily meetings with a healthy dose of shoutings and fist-banging and briefings all thrown in the mix while the rest of the community pricked their ears on every action we were planning.

For me, it was unprecedented and a tad crazy.

And this would all have been fine — in a youthful, activist frame of mind. Every person who feels passionate about something must be willing to step into the heat of it. But then there are those details: those intimate, boring, annoying details of life that invariably seep into your existence and stick out not because they’re there but because they have to.

Like the fact that you have a full-time job. Like the fact that you work in an office and having the phone ring every few minutes because a reporter would like to speak with you is not a fair use of the office phone or space.

And how asking to temporarily put your work on hold while you deal with more pressing matters (and expecting your co-workers to understand) isn’t realistic nor okay.

Like the fact that you’re sleeping only a couple of hours every night for almost weeks on end and how caffeine isn’t the solution to a mild narcoleptic like me.

Like the fact that you have family matters to deal with, documents to apply and mail, and a whole stack of “to-dos” that just piles and piles.

Or like the fact that you may have your own personal inhibitions and doubts and insecurities and manifold other feelings that you feel must be swept aside for the good of the whole. And how it eats you from the inside to have these “feelings”, and you don’t know who to share them with, and you feel like your shoulder’s been burdened beyond what it can hold.

Because, of course, everything around me will have to revolve around MY perspective. And regardless of how you admonish yourself to think more selflessly, it just won’t do and you’re stuck in a swirl of existential and moral dugouts that don’t appear to have any opening in those moments.

And it’s just my long way of coming to my point: no matter how entrenched you may be in a movement, or how passionate you feel about something, there are those things that need to be addressed to, in addition to this big explosion of actions, that will sometimes throw a wench into your plans and mess it all up.

There are obviously a plethora of great people who have managed to succeed by sacrificing some aspect of their personal lives or mindset, but to a lesser moral like me, that was just one detail too many.

That was something which was so sad and humanizing about Frank’s documentary. It’s the stories of individuals who plunge into these waves of events and actions and attempt to shape the chaos around them into something less burdening and more beautiful for others. And sometimes they succeed and sometimes they don’t. And sometimes they fight on in spite of what the outcomes are, and sometimes we just crash and fold.

Or sometimes we just tell ourselves that we need a break and then repeat the cycle again.

But that’s the other thing: this all makes it sound like I was some weather-beaten, grizzled activist subsisting on caffeine and living in a community all by itself. Which isn’t the case at all, and which again bears a point about how I was initially unsure about even talking to Frank and later, talking to people about it.

There are people I know personally who have sacrificed far more, on a much deeper level, and they seem to be carrying on just fine. No one, of course, knows what goes on inside. But that’s not the point. The point is that there are way active people in the Tibetan community and beyond who’ve accomplished a whole lot more, and here you have this seemingly solemn, young kid waxing poignant about how tough he had it and how he’s contemplating about taking a reprieve and all of that shit.

You see where I’m coming from, right? If you’ve stuck with this posting so far, you’ll get a sense of how I’m always in the frame of catching myself. It’s a perpetual series of me trying to snap a picture of myself as I trip myself on a rock.

There are a lot of points that should ideally be addressed in a more meaningful and forthright way. But I suppose today is not the time and maybe I’m not the right person.

It’s a fascinating thing, this to do with self-consciousness and awareness. You weave this orb of thoughts and conceptions that at one point totally grew beyond your control, and now you are, for better or worse, feeding it while futilely attempting to make sense of it all.

It just grows on, and keeps on full steam. And sometimes when the orb’s brightest, you just burn out.

And you put yourself on hold, because issues always come up, personality clashes occur, and at some point you realize that not everything you do will be under your control. Or have anything to do with what you think is right. It hits you in the nose like you just walked into a glass door.

We have questions many, but consolations few.

N.B. Frank did a wonderful job with the conversations and the subject he dealt with. The stories are told in a heartrendingly personal way that sheds an illuminating light on activism and the lives of activists and the people they affect. I believe part of that reflects the warm way in which Frank conducted his interviews. It was personal without being overly sentimental. And it was brutally straightforward and honest. Something I aspire to capture if and when I plan to trudge behind storytelling such as his.

P.S. Not that it matters in any meaningful way, but at the time of the interview, it was outdoors and quite brisk. I was cold, had a cold, and midway through the interview, I was really holding my bladder. Again — not that it matters … mjussayin yknow.

There is nothing to say. I’m a little worried about my state of tepidity. The week has been grey and sullen, as if we somehow forgot to invite it to a party that everyone in the cooler next day was excitedly talking about. And now it has brought everyone else down with its dreary jive.

A brief hullabaloo about the TTC strike on the weekend made things a little interesting, but then Monday came and suddenly everyone was reminded about their spilling workload. Days came and went, sprinkling a dismissive shower here and there, going on and on and on and on.

My video project grant application got rejected. I suppose that’s partly to blame for my inordinately glum blog entry. The people behind the donor explained that they had to siphon the grant money to “Toronto priority projects”. My first disappointment of the year. Imagine a volcano caving unto itself. A tire deflating, a pyramid of leaves collapsing and eventually scattered by the wind.

I’ve got nothing to say but I felt like I needed to post something. I’m actually not as depressed as I’m making it out to be, quite melodramatically you could add. I’m just teetering on glib jadedness and a steady vacuum of inspiration. My D-SLR is despondently staring at me through its 14-45mm wide lens; I can’t call it accusing, more like disappointed. My surroundings are implacably sterile; there could be green organic matter oozing out from the walls right now, and all I would’ve noticed was its lack of urgency.

A bomb could go off next door and I’d instantly notice the loosening hinges of the door. OK, maybe that was a little insincere. I probably would’ve scampered underneath my bed if I heard a bang. But I still would’ve commented on the sagging underpinnings.

I’ve got nothing to say and all I can think about are my drooping shoulders. I can’t argue, my greetings are forced and my voice is as dejected as a twelve-year old who gets a pack of new socks for his birthday gift.

It’s Thursday night and I’ve got nothing to say. I had dinner — it was OK. Watching Jon Stewart online and I realize that he’s a comic genius, nonpareil, of our times. And all I can muster is a half-hearted chuckle. It’s Thursday night and suddenly I wish I was out drinking instead. It’s Thursday night: chilly, quiet and funereal.

It’s Thursday night, I’m as fit as I’ve ever been lately, and man — I’ve got nothing to say. I could enthrall you with my activist work, my nomination as the Chairperson of something, my conversations with interesting people, my romantic failures, my work and my plays, my highs and my lows…instead I’ve got nothing to say.

The tunes on my ipod scatter the distortions in my head, but like a school of fish huddling back after the dust settles down, I’m as blank and unresponsive as before. I crack my fingers and nothing still happens. My brother cracks a joke and nothing. A stranger with a tight pair of jeans, silhouetted deliciously against the glare of the streetcar lights, and nothing. Compared to me right now, even the traffic lights seem to change with more enthusiasm.

You say: bah! chin up already. You’re young, relatively debt-free, working in a great office with an even greater mentor. Your bills are paid (well, some of it), your health is sound (except for that slightly recent ache in the back), your moral fibers are firm (most of the times), you’re starting to get a foot into the talk of the community, you’re not all that dumb or bad-looking. So chin the fuck up, dude.

And I guess I agree. I have nothing to be so humdrum about. If my existence is so ordinary, it should be something to be grateful about. Compared to the many who live in constant fear and real poverty, I am a spoiled duke. A flat tire is my main concern while people out there actually have bullets to dodge. I live in a bustling city, and I work in a fantastic community. No exposed, tin roofs letting in the piercing cold rain.

I’ve got nothing to say, but in the course of an hour, I’ve managed to spool off quite a few threads of my recent discomfiture. Funny how some of my entries seem to take a life of its own, albeit a zombie-like state in this instance. I suppose I could put this into my “organic” category. Ha ha. Bloody zinger.

Its an hour to midnight, sleep is slowly creeping up my bones, I’ve got nothing else to say but end this note with a fascinating video that my friend Derek sent my way.

I hope you’ve had a much more meaningful state of affairs. If you like, you can regale me with it, but be warned: all I could probably muster is a distracted “meh”.

Good night.

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted here. For starters: no more snow. Lawns everywhere in Toronto are now slowly showing signs of awaking from their repose — a tint of green that’s barely a murmur now, but lest we get too excited, overzealous revelers were reminded of winter’s still fleeting grip with a chilly thunderstorm yesterday. Hold off on those sandals and shorts for now. I learned it the hard way myself.

The atmosphere in Tibet is still very tense. And it looks like it won’t let up any time soon. The members of the IOC met in Beijing a couple of days ago, and despite the all-around criticisms that it endured at the Olympic torch procession in London, Paris and San Francisco, they decided to stick with their plan of parading the jaundiced torch through Tibet. Any talk of increased violence and bloodshed due to its presence in Lhasa and Mt. Everest were immediately chided by the Chinese government. You can almost picture the embarrassed face of Jacques Rogge on the dinner table, as if sternly admonished by the Chinese patriarch for reaching across the table without any sign of modesty. Like a little schoolboy. Leave the stuff about human rights and “politics” to us, the Chinese officials seem to have said. You worry about people doing laps and things like that, okay? That’s a good boy. Now finish your bowl of wonton soup and bid everyone goodnight.

Hundreds of Tibetans have now been killed as a direct result of the violent crackdowns since the unrest first began in Tibet a month ago. Pictures are floating in almost everyday. The deaths seem to be indiscriminate in its blinding cloak: young and old, monks and nuns, schoolchildren and old peasants. Two state orchestrated media “tours” in Tibet to show the world that it’s all stable and normal, and both of them valiantly disrupted by monks who were gut wrenchingly earnest in their pleas and astonishingly articulate in their demands and objections. The forcibly devoid and make-believe image of Tibet that Beijing keeps presenting to the rest of the country and the world has been tarnished by the crimson robes and blood of monks who continue to defy the iron-fisted authority of a long-outmoded giant. A hungry, unfeeling and insecure party stricken with an authoritarian compulsion that threatens to burn a whole garden of unique cultures and identities to the ground.

I have been very occupied since I last reported about the pro-China demo in Toronto. Ever since that day, there has been this unsettling knot in my stomach, a faintly bothersome perturbation in the back of my mind that insists that this issue will not be resolved as clearly or as cleanly as I’d hoped. Call me naive, and I rightly was, but I’ve always thought that our fight against the Chinese government was something that was markedly straightforward. Our grievances and anger were directed towards a brutal dictatorship that has the blood of millions in its hands. This still active and strong party of Mao Zedong is responsible, by some accounts, for more deaths than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot combined.

We have nothing against the Chinese people, culture, or even the country (in its rough description).

What I’ve been shocked with lately, is this insistent and troubling vibe that I’ve been getting from Chinese people. Young Chinese men and women, in Canada, the States and everywhere else outside of China. This almost childish stubbornness that flows out from the mouth and keyboards of ill-informed high school and university students. I’m trying to picture things from their POVs, but it doesn’t add up. Some have called it patriotism, a call to defend your country from any criticism regardless of what the actual issue may be. I’ve been told that the hate-filled slander and vile racism that I come across on internet message boards and blogs are the vocal fringes — a misrepresentation of the majority of Chinese people (ethnic Hans) who have suffered as much as the Tibetans, Uighers and many others.

And then you get this:

For anyone at work or with a shoddy internet connection, this is the full transcript of the short video:

I wish the people to know that China and Chinese people have helped the Tibetan people and improved their human rights.

…how can somebody who cannot even read and write understand anything about human rights?

If they cannot read and write … how can they realize what is being lost?

… in the past in Tibet … the people were just blind faith to believe in their religions. They were controlled … if people think China has mind-controlled them, then they were mind-controlled for thousands of years by their religion.

On the stage you have a round-faced, mousse-haired gentleman who looks like he’s not a year over twenty five. A title states that he is the event organizer. No name is mentioned. A quick pan of the crowd that has gathered, waving the Chinese and Canadian flags. And then he speaks — in a halting, and obviously strained English. Not exactly a crowd captivator. The crowd cheers encouragingly after the first line, perhaps hoping to collectively extract the oratorical resin hidden somewhere beneath his sheepish and milquetoast demeanour. After the second line though, the crowd isn’t really too sure. And then he drops that bomb, with that slight look of glee in his face.

Excuse me if this is really offensive, but right then and there his face looked Mao-ish. I’m sorry. That’s just what he reminded me of. “How can they realize what is being lost?” If there is one sentence that chillingly epitomizes everything that is wrong with online keyboard cowboys, it is that. He looks like he was transposed straight from CCTV and Xinhua, a vile, flabby concoction of selfish nationalism mixed with misinformation.

But that’s not what really bothers me. What’s really worrying about all of this is the absolute lack of any trace of humanity (or empathy) in that person. Maybe I’m being too harsh here. Maybe my judgment is totally out of place, and I should try and rein in my comments.

But to see that young person utter those words, words that he apparently prepared and “practiced” before he got on stage, and to witness this sad, atavistic caricature of another era spewing these explicitly offensive and nigh-psychopathic statements in downtown Toronto, in front of hundreds of people, was throughly dreadful. To him, and the many others who support his maladjusted way of thinking, this “speech” is the succinct embodiment of their rationales.

This, to them, is what justifies the harsh and brutal crackdowns on Tibetans everywhere in Tibet. In this person’s fat and pneumatic head, is a Dalai Lama who is a sexual deviant and a slave master. In his book of history is a barbaric nation that was occupied for hundreds of years, in spite of every known fact pointing to a series of contention and revisionism.

From his eyes he sees a culture that is beneath him, and a peaceful struggle that is spit-worthy and dismissive. His memory is clouded with a red, pervasive ink that blots out any sign of dissent, and to him a torch relay being disrupted is more cause for indignation than a human rights activist jailed and tortured for speaking the truth.

His moral fiber is attuned to the sensitivity of a vast party machine, as opposed to the plights of children being shot in the back on border passes, or young idealists rolled under tanks and silenced by bullets.

His flag is a symbol of pride, one that he had no trouble looking back on when he first left China for greener pastures and greater freedom, but one that he can still wave in the thrusting moment of convenience. As a linchpin to justify his contempt for those that oppose crimes against humanity or have the temerity to demand their rights as an individual.

I urge the people with whom I’ve engaged civilly over the internet in discussions about Tibet to look at this video and then defend his speech (or whatever you’d like to call that). Remember that this is the type of person who’s organizing your demonstrations. And to remember that this is exactly the type of person the Chinese Communist Party wants you to follow.

Tomorrow there’s apparently a similar demonstration in Ottawa in front of the Parliament building. Will this guy be leading the charge again? Does anyone know?

I actually intended to write about something altogether different today. But I guess it’ll have to wait. This post got way longer than I’d planned.

Someone please make a case for this guy, and actually stop me from making him a scapegoat so quickly. I’m unsettled by the ease with which I’ve almost reduced him to a genocidal freak.

Please. Anyone?

If you happened to be shopping downtown on Yonge St. this afternoon, you probably came across the sea of red and the piercing howls that was the pro China demonstration on Dundas Square today. It was an impressive crowd, with Chinese people from all walks of life, chanting “One China! One China!” and applauding themselves at various signaled intervals. You could’ve sworn this was February all over again — the Chinese new year déjà vu. Where were the dancing dragons and child acrobats with silk ribbons?

The reason for the demo today, though, was entirely removed of any cultural or political significance. The event was organized, believe it or not, by international Chinese student groups who were upset about the media coverage of the recent uprisings in Tibet. They wanted Toronto to know the unfettered, unbiased and unadulterated truth — so they handed out copies of “damning” evidence under instructions of the Chinese consulate. The gist of their argument: Tibetans were the violent troublemakers behind the unrest inside Tibet (they deserved what they got); China is one and, above all else, Tibetans should be grateful for that. The obvious face-slapping truth of China’s bloody hands behind the suffering of Tibetans is just western propaganda, and you should be shameful for even having thought of that. We’ll harass the shit out of you if you think otherwise.

I’m not even kidding. Towards the conclusion of the event, at various instances, the Chinese participants mobbed and yelled down with relish anyone who dared to engage with them about Tibet. A Canadian man in the middle of the participants exposed his shirt which had a flag of Tibet on the pocket which absolutely drove the mob into fits and, if it were not for the swift response of the cops, the whole thing would’ve turned very ugly very quickly. At another instance, a fat Chinese boy with a hoodie, who couldn’t have been a year over twenty, shoved and cussed at a person who talked about the dead Tibetans from the last couple of weeks. Old folks were screaming, “You don’t know the truth! You never been to China!” “Liar!”

The whole thing would’ve been ridiculously funny if not for the dangerous underpinnings. This was a large crowd of mostly adults who gathered and exulted in their abject nationalistic fervour. The whole idea behind this event was to show that the greatness of China overshadowed and overwhelmed any aspect of human rights or freedoms. In a pointedly candid display of misplaced fealty, they placed the might of the party before the rights of the citizens. And most worryingly of all, this happened in Toronto, Canada: a place where you can glean all versions of the facts, and not just the one fed down the tubes of the Communist propaganda machine.

If a community of thousands, across an ocean and a continent from its “motherland”, can be shepherded so blindly and easily, what does that mean for the billions in China who actually don’t have the free access to media like we do here in Canada? I try not to exaggerate online, but I’m absolutely serious when I say that I felt like a Jew who inadvertently stumbled into a Nazi rally when the call of Aryan superiority was first spreading throughout Germany. This was how the monks must’ve felt when the cadres of the Red Army, drunk on their premature jingoism, destroyed the monasteries in Tibet and burned Buddhist texts with demented glee during the Cultural Revolution.

It was a chilling reminder about the extent of China’s oppressive tactics. And it was heartbreaking to see otherwise rational human beings being filled with toxic emotions that encourage mass terror and mob justice. Is this what we’re up against? I have to commend the brilliance of the fucking party officials who have honed their crafts and mastered the art of intimidation and shock therapy. After all, they did have the best in the business when it comes to purging millions and torturing the soul out of a nation.

But this was in Toronto. In Canada. This isn’t some village deep in the country of China. We have more than a dozen news channels just in Toronto, and more international ones, including the CCTV of China. How then do you reconcile this fact with the many Chinese students and adults who were adamant in their accusations that the news of Tibet circulating around here were just western media propaganda? When they are aware that China actually shut down Tibet from any international reporters in response to the protests there? When they even kicked their own press people outside of Tibet? When their own intellects have been calling on the government to act differently back in China?

These were university students. How do you explain that? How the fuck…my head hurts just thinking about this.

Scanning the crowd of over a thousand, I saw lots of young, smiling faces unsure of what this demonstration was really about; and mostly excited because they were in such a large gathering in downtown Toronto. Toting Chinese and Canadian flags, they amassed on the edge of the square towards Yonge St., and menacingly stared down the small band of Tibetan protesters who, in spite of the request from the local Tibetan organizations, spiritedly answered the pro China event for the sake of the Tibetans being killed in Tibet right now. The evening news coverage of the demo actually had equal time for the counter-Beijing actions taken today. Take note international students from mainland China: this is what a balanced news report actually means.

I’m glad we decided not to engage the Tibetan community into this. A riot would’ve been inevitable. And this is just what the Chinese officials would’ve craved back in Beijing — a distraction.

As I was about to leave the Dundas Square, I caught sight of one particular Chinese man with whom I just couldn’t help starting a conversation. I had seen what happens when you try to talk up the issue about Tibet as a Tibetan supporter, so I tried to approach this with an objective angle — I pretended to be a Korean reporter. And this was the person in question:

Now, first of all, it took all of my earthbound, human/activist strength just to stifle a chuckle. I mean, seriously – how can you not look at this person waving a fucking UN flag and just convulse with laughter right there on the street? Really, who makes this shit up? I just had to pry this mind open and find out what was cooking his noodles.

“Hi, I’m a reporter from Korea Times. I see you have a UN flag there — can you please tell me why you’ve brought this particular flag to this event here?”

When I first approached him, he seemed a little hesitant. Maybe he thought no one would think twice about a pro China demonstrator waving a flag with the UN symbol on it. It was only after I told him that I was Korean that he loosened up a little. He said he had lots of Korean friends in his athletic club. He even showed me an insignia on his jacket to prove his case.

“I bring it, y’know, to show that we want peace. Tibetans — they create trouble. China want peace.” [sic, from his end, all the way through]

“Right. Do you know that China actually doesn’t want the UN to look into the issue of Tibet? They’ve vetoed against any talk about Tibet at the general assembly.”

“Yes, yes. The problem in Tibet now OK. Tibet is OK.”

I think he was missing my point entirely, so I proceeded with another angle: “Would you support the UN going into Tibet and finding out what’s the problem there?”

“Tibet have no problem. I been there. Tibet OK now. I just want world peace.”

“Tibet has no problem? Then why are there so many Tibetans protesting in Tibet?”

“Tibet have no problem. Tibetans just violent and do looting in Lhasa. I was in Tibet, y’know. Tibetans there happy under China.”

At this point I must’ve had a purple, knobby vein throbbing against my temple, but I kept my cool. For the sake of… journalistic integrity. Yes, that’s what.

“But the violence was only inside Lhasa. Everywhere else in Tibet it was mostly peaceful, and the Chinese army still clamped down on them violently. Do you support their tactics?”

“I don’t know. I just know Tibet is OK now. Don’t worry. Everybody want world peace.”

“Do you support the way the Chinese government has not allowed for any form of protest in Tibet, regardless of whether they are peaceful or not?”

“What?”

Somewhere in this conversation, a random white dude just walked up to us and joined in this discussion.

“What I’m saying is — you see that here in Canada, everyone has the right to protest if it is peaceful. You can’t do that in Tibet or even China. How do you feel about that?”

This is where the stammering begins, and I’m not ashamed to say that I smiled inwardly for reducing him to a blathering fuckwit.

“I…I…I don’t know. We just want to show the rest of the world that China is fine. Tibet is OK now. I been there, y’know.”

“But that’s really not the case. Lots of Tibetans inside Tibet are unhappy with the Chinese government. How do you feel about that?”

“Tibetans…they don’t know. They just…cause violence and loot other people’s properties…”

“Yes, but this was mostly in Lhasa, and only for a couple of days. The rest of the protests were peaceful.”

“Tibetans…they don’t know…they very violent.”

This was one of the few instances when the random white guy chipped in from the periphery. “You sound really condescending and mean when you say that. Look, you’re even smiling when you say those things about the Tibetans. That’s not right, man.”

I wasn’t really seeking any third-party validation from this tiresome exercise, but I was relieved that it wasn’t just me not eating the horseshit this UN flag-waving, pro Communist China sheep was spewing.

As I shook hands with both men and started to part my ways, I turned back one last time and asked him where in Tibet he had really been, since he brought it up so often during our brief discussion.

“Oh — just in Lhasa…”

“Just in Lhasa?”

“Yeah, y’know, and … Ching village.”

I swear I’m not making this up. Right from his hesitant tone to the abrupt pause before he came up with this utterly believable name for a village inside Tibet (Ching or Jing, I forget), it was plain as fresh snow that this guy had a seriously skewed knowledge of Tibet and China’s history. And his smiling attitude for maintaining this kind of dangerous mindset was just the icing on the cake that I didn’t want.

He couldn’t even pull off his bullshit act convincingly. If it’s any consolation, at least my portrayal of a Korean reporter was spot-on. Down to my name: Hong Sung Park. Korea Times Daily. Without a shred of thought. A pro, through and through.

I sure hope Mr. “Cary” is looking forward to this interview in tomorrow’s papers.

What a mess. Yeesh!

“I’m finally beginning to feel what it is like to be a refugee and to be helpless,” I confided to my mentor, Shannon, in my office a week after the March 10 uprising.

The images, footage and accounts of Tibetans being systematically detained and oppressed from the recent unrest have clouded the consciousness of every Tibetan and Tibetan supporter I know of. There is a hollow dread in the way we speak and carry ourselves. A sense of outrage mixed with grief and a feeling of helplessness quietly swirls inside our house like a closed room filled with a translucent film of cigarette smoke.

The eyes of the protesters I meet are shiny with grief; and in some cases, almost glassy, like they’re not quite sure of what state their mind is in. Everyday brings new reports of Tibetans revolting. Every evening we turn the tube on for the latest coverage, every morning the computer screen flickers with internet postings of monks, nuns, nomads and students rising up for the call of independence. Of bodies riddled with bullets. Of armoured tanks maintaining the order in a holy city.

Tibet is in flames. And in Canada: life – as it is wont to do, as it is meant to be – just goes on. Bills have to be paid, school papers are due, and meeting appointments scream with their dull insistence for attention.

Meanwhile, Tibet is in flames.

“It’s almost like I know the sufferings of the Tibetans back home, and I am affected by it tremendously,” I sighed out. “But I am removed from the whole thing.”

Somehow, this ache of grief and desperation doesn’t quite seem as profound as I want it to be. The stress on my shoulders feel fake. My burning throat sounds like it is putting on a show. My outrage is muted.

“I feel like I’m not really genuine about my emotions towards everything that’s been going on.” This part I questioned to myself.

And it is a question that has been haunting me incessantly as the days wear on. I’m trying to get a hold of my hyper self-consciousness. What does it matter to what extent I am truly affected by the events inside Tibet? What about the scores of Tibetans I see who don’t even seem to care about their news? How would you know if they care or not? What good does it do to second-guess every thought and emotion I have? What do you care about what others think? Am I being true to myself by ignoring these doubts? Are they really doubts or just filaments of my personal insecurities clouding up my thoughts?

While I go through the motions of everyday mundane activities with the shuffle of a condemned cynic, blood flows from the monasteries and percolates through the hallowed streets; from Lhasa to Sichuan, from tent to tent, square to every square. The piercing cries of freedom that I hear on the internet chills my spine and constricts my chest.

A grainy video from Labrang, Amdo, shows thousands of Tibetans gathering in the centre of the town, whistling rebelliously and waving the multi-coloured snowlion flags. A cameraman goes up closer and shows the excited faces of young Tibetans, some hardly past teen, barely managing to conceal their nervous smiles as a battalion of riot troops advance menacingly from across the street towards them.

A bang from a teargas shotgun, and the crowds quickly disperse.

The scenes unfolding before me on the computer screen succinctly encapsulate the state of my being. I am here – halfway across the world, it is quiet – with my hand on the mouse and my throat feeling uncomfortably tight, trying to get a sense of the unrest inside Tibet.

Except there is no way that I will ever be able to truly feel the terror that has struck my mountainous homeland. I will never know how it feels to hear the bangs on my door as Chinese troops raid every house inside Lhasa to arbitrarily detain every young person and monk they suspect of rioting. I will never feel the way my heart beat against my chest the way those young Tibetans did as they threw rocks at the advancing riot police. I will never experience the anguish of a mother who sees her high school kid forcibly taken from the house and thrown into the dreaded army trucks. I will never have the frustration of a generation constantly marginalized in their own birthplace taken out on properties that are owned by an encroaching group of settlers from outside. I will never have the opportunity to take pictures and record testimonies of the brutality like the scores of reporters who were recently expelled from Tibet did.

But most of all, I will never experience the euphoria of joining thousands of other Tibetans inside Tibet as they chant the freedom slogans and call for their leader, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, to return to Tibet. I can’t imagine the swell of pride and courage, of being swept up uncontrollably into the torrent of unadulterated energy, and of finally casting aside any fear of retribution and personal costs.

I will never know that moment. I have seen it, and continue to see it, but my body is irredeemably and inconsolably intact and removed. My joints are tired and my eyes are heavy. The shot of adrenaline that coursed through my body when I was with the crowd that stood below the two boys who waved the Tibetan flag from atop the Chinese consulate building in Toronto has long worn off. I feel like I am a washed out shell of a once idealistic person.

My actions don’t feel like they’re enough. My head feels like it was just poured with molten lead. I am constantly aware of how I am talking to people, like I am looking through the eyes of a very nuanced robot.

My energy is slipping away from me, through cracks that I can’t even bother to cover. Every morning that I hear of yet another uprising, my heart picks its beat up momentarily, and then eventually levels out as I pack my bag and step out into the cold, orderly and quiet streets of Toronto. I have assignments to fulfill, plans to carry out, and streetcars to catch. I feel like I am in a state of fuzzy whiteness, like someone who’s just recovering from a flash bang: all ringing in the ears and maladjusted irises.

But I am reminded time and again, from the chiding of my younger brother to the sacrifices of countless people, that this moment is the searing pinnacle of a movement. That the revolts will now culminate into a revolution, and the forces of dissent will tear the agents of tyranny asunder.

That the sum is far more significant than the parts, and that the motions of the mass will thrust the individual into heights previously unexplored.

And that sometimes the decisions we make lie beyond our choices. We do what we can because we have to.

The walls of injustice seem intimidating at times. In those slips of courage and conviction, the cries of those who suffer under the force of aggression and the persuasion of bullets bounce off the walls and echo into the dark hollow of despair and memories best left covered. But the torch of truth shines with a relentless ferocity that overwhelms any form of hopelessness and fills the void with a light of inspiration that far exceeds any wall of injustice. It ignites the fire of those who’ve been oppressed. It captivates the mind, body and soul, transforming it into a vehicle of change. Of action. Of the truth.

It creates a movement.

And it creates history.

I can either choose to be a part of it, or I can wallow into the depths of my doubts.

I know what I must do. I know what needs to be done. I don’t care for my highs and lows.

Tibet burns — her cries are louder than ever. A nun dies — her years of devotion to peace cut abruptly short by the blunt violence of a small bullet. A student gets detained in a prison — his careless days whiling away in classes now come back to hurt him much deeper than the electrical shots being unleashed on him by impassive interrogators.

The pain is real. The suffering is there. The blood is still warm. And the Tibetans continue to defy the forces that keep bombarding them with teargases and lies about the Dalai Lama.

Uprisings are always unforgiving. This one is no different.

But it hurts a lot more knowing that beyond the rounds of rallies and protests, the extent to which I can truly help the Tibetans will always be removed from the actual terror inside Tibet.

The spirit of the community is strong. If only I could smell the air of unrest in Tibet, only then do I believe that I shall truly come to appreciate the unyielding grip of passion that is spreading throughout the plateau. Only then do I think I can say that I am a genuine part of this movement.

Until then, all I can do is protest … and pray.

It begins with a whisper. A murmur that escapes like steam from an open sauna room. It grows quietly, collecting the apprehensions and memories of lost years. It drips through every crack, through every pore in the surface, and infects it with an unmistakable hint of Clarity.

It shakes the foundation. It breaks a dam. It corrodes fear and eliminates doubts.

This thing, this surge, this fuel that ignites a movement and sweeps a generation along with it, it feeds off and into the nectar of Things To Come. This elixir inebriates an individual’s hesitancy, and jolts it with an electric shiver that tingles the fingertips and swells the chest till the heart thumps against it with such an aching vigour that your hands tremble and your sight turns tunnel vision.

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The cold clutches of winter seem to dig deeper as we’re heading into the month of March. Like a disgruntled wife brooding about her husband’s absence the night before, the clouds that hover above don’t look they’re going to let up anytime soon. It has been two weeks since I’ve returned, and I gradually started to settle back into an unsteady groove about a week ago. The morning TTC commute to my work (temporarily labeled as ‘volunteering’ since it’s all hedging on how my proposed project pans out) on a bus and a streetcar stamps a note of finality to my removal from the hectic noise of Kathmandu and into the sobered, subdued tone of Canadian routine and orderliness. The familiar red, white and black carriages evoke a faint setting of geometric efficiency, and they mark a stark contrast against the blue micro buses of Kathmandu that stop to offload and receive passengers wherever they please.

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Picture a zit-faced sixteen year-old landing on the famous stretch of the JFK airport: mouth agape, wide-eyed and tired from the cross-Atlantic voyage; laden with a carnival full of luggage, his thick hair bristling at the sting of the late Fall chill of the East Coast; barely managing to keep up with the whizzing blurs of airport signs, announcements, electronic message boards; heavy, dragging commuters and busy, irritable multi-taskers; lazy limos and impatient custom officers — all of them converging into the sort of noisome, bored and alive impersonality that only America can epitomize.

Now this once sixteen but still zit-face, a little wiser but more wayward Tibetan boy from Kathmandu will be completing one round trip around the world. His eyes are tired from arguing that they rest, joints aching with the fervour of indignant nerves, mind strangely removed from the actualities — inert and impassive as a team of researchers behind a wall of plexiglass observing a chimp fiddling with a rubik’s cube. No one is quite sure what the experiment is about, but they’re fairly certain that it is at least amusing, and someone else is paying for their time anyways.

The hour draws nearer, closing in with the blunt insistence of time — the mechanics of forward-motion progressing duly and which in this particular case will peculiarly revisit a once-life, a once-neighbourhood, and once-memories.

Drained with caffeine; numb with anticipation.

A round trip, an infinite samsara and a straight line meeting inexplicably inside the perpetually filled and emptied tank of memories and age. A story awaits on the other side — nervous and coy. And she insists on taking pictures.